So… my child is neurodivergent. What does that mean for me?

When parents first hear that their child is neurodivergent, it’s understandable that the

question, “What does this mean for me, as a parent?” typically comes to mind.

The first thing is to realise that it means your child’s brain works differently, not

defectively, and your role is not to “fix” your child, but to understand, support, and

advocate.

At Wellbeing in Mind, we strongly advocate for neuroaffirming practices that focus

on changing the world around your child to in a way that recognises their

strengths and supports their needs, rather than putting the responsibility on the

child to change themselves to fit within a world that was not designed for them.

1. Understanding the lingo

Neurodivergent, neurodiversity, neurotypical… What do these words all mean?

Sonny Jane Wise, the “Lived Experience Educator”, provides a range of training and

resources that challenge deficit-based narratives around neurodivergence and has

produced this handy infographic explaining some of these key terms.

The term, “neurodiversity” simply refers to the broad range of differences in how all

brains function. A single person cannot be “neurodiverse”.

“Neurotypical” is a term that describes people whose neurological development

aligns with the expected development of the general population. In simple terms, it

describes those who are not neurodivergent.

The term “neurodivergent” is an umbrella term that describes people whose brains

are significantly different to what is expected, based on the general population. That

means they have different strengths and challenges from people whose brains don’t

have those differences.

There are a wide range of diagnoses that could be reflected by the term

neurodivergent, including Autism, ADHD, Tourettes Syndrome, Specific Learning

Disorders, Intellectual Disabilities and Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, just to name

a few.

While every neurodivergent person has a unique experience and presentation,

some commonalities include differences in differences in:

• processing or expressing information

• regulating attention

• naming, processing and describing emotions

• fine and gross motor skills

• processing sensory input

• how empathy is experienced and expressed

• how time is experienced

• memory

• sleep

• what helps when trying to regulate

• And many more!

2. Understand that neurodivergence is difference, not disorder

The term neurodivergence recognises natural variation in human brains, just as we

recognise variation in bodies, cultures, and personalities. Neurodivergence is not

inherently pathological; the difficulties associated with neurodivergence arise from a

poor fit between the child and their environment, not from something “wrong” inside

the child.

A neuroaffirming stance asks:

• What does this child need to thrive?

• How can we adapt the environments around the child to make it better suit the

  child’s needs?

This is a considerable shift from traditional ways of thinking, which focussed on how

we can change the child to make them better suited to the environment.

3. Your child’s behaviours are communication

Neurodivergent children often communicate distress, overwhelm, joy, or curiosity in

ways that don’t match neurotypical expectations.

What gets labelled as “meltdowns”, “oppositional behaviour”, “attention-seeking”, or

“rigidity” is very often a nervous system under strain, not a child choosing to be

difficult. These behaviours can typically be linked to factors outside of a child’s

control, including sensory overload, executive functioning challenges, unmet

regulation needs or chronic stress from masking or misunderstanding.

Instead of asking “How do I stop this behaviour?” a neuroaffirming stance would

consider, “What is this behaviour telling me?”

4. Regulation comes before learning, compliance, or change

A dysregulated brain cannot learn or cooperate effectively. For neurodivergent

children, whose nervous systems are often more sensitive, this matters even more.

Neuroaffirming parenting prioritises emotional safety, predictability, co-regulation

before self-regulation, and accommodations rather than punishment. This doesn’t

mean “no boundaries.” It means boundaries that are developmentally appropriate,

compassionate, and flexible.

“What is co-regulation?” I hear you ask.

Co-regulation is the process of helping a child calm and organise their nervous

system through the presence and support of a regulated adult. In simple terms, it

means a child “borrows” the calm of a safe adult until they are able to regulate

themselves.

Self-regulation is not something children are born knowing how to do; it develops

gradually through thousands of experiences where a caregiver helps them manage

big emotions, overwhelm, frustration, or excitement. Over time, children internalise

these experiences and begin to use the same strategies on their own.

For many neurodivergent children, this process can take longer or require more

support. Differences in sensory processing, emotional intensity, executive

functioning, and nervous system sensitivity can make it harder to regulate

independently, particularly in busy or unpredictable environments. This means co-

regulation remains an important support for longer.

Co-regulation can look like, lowering your voice or body position, modelling deep

breathing, reducing sensory demands (dimming lights, moving to a quieter space), or

offering a hug or sitting close.

5. Accommodations are not “lowering expectations”

A common parental fear is: “If I accommodate, my child will never learn how to do it

in the real world.” The evidence says the opposite. Accommodations (like visual

supports, movement breaks, sensory tools, flexible routines, or alternative

communication) increase independence over time by reducing cognitive load and

stress, establishing emotional safety and building self-awareness.

We don’t expect a child with poor eyesight to “build resilience” by refusing to provide

them with glasses. Supporting neurodivergent children works the same way.

6. Masking is costly

Many neurodivergent children learn early that being themselves leads to correction,

exclusion, or punishment. This can result in masking, which is the act of suppressing

natural traits to appear more acceptable or neurotypical. In some ways, masking can

be protective. However, masking is strongly associated with anxiety, depression,

burnout and school refusal, as well as an increased risk of self-harm.

A neuroaffirming home sends a powerful message: You belong and are safe here, just

as you are.

7. Focus on connection, not perfection

When parents learn more about neurodivergence, it can sometimes feel like there is

suddenly a very long list of things they should be doing. Try to resist the pressure to

get everything “right.” Children benefit far more from feeling understood and

connected to their parents than from parents implementing every possible strategy

perfectly.

Some simple ways to nurture connection include:

• Taking time to genuinely listen to your child’s perspective, even if it’s different

  from your own.

• Showing curiosity about their interests (even the very intense ones!).

• Letting them know that their feelings make sense, even when their behaviour

  still needs guidance.

• Repairing after difficult moments. Every parent gets it wrong sometimes; what

  matters most is reconnecting afterwards.

• A child who feels safe, accepted, and understood at home develops a stronger

  foundation for navigating the wider world.

8. Become a translator and advocate

One of the most important roles parents often play is helping bridge the gap between

their child and environments that may not yet fully understand neurodivergence.

This might include:

• Sharing helpful information with teachers or caregivers about how your child

  learns best.

• Asking for reasonable adjustments at school (for example, movement breaks,

  sensory supports, or alternative ways to demonstrate learning).

• Helping your child find language to describe their needs as they grow older.

  This could also include teaching them how to use visual resources when

  using words is beyond their capacity.

• Supporting your child to connect with their peers by supporting their peers

  understanding of your child’s differences. For example, by saying “Sarah

  loves to play with lego too, but she likes to play with her own lego next to you

  while you play with yours.”

9. Support your child to understand themselves

A neuroaffirming approach also includes helping children develop a positive

understanding of their own brains. Many neurodivergent adults report that learning

about their neurotype earlier in life helped them make sense of their experiences and

reduced shame about the things they found difficult.

You might support this by:

• Talking openly about brain differences in a neutral or positive way.

• Highlighting your child’s strengths and interests alongside their challenges.

• Helping them notice what helps them feel calm, focused, or overwhelmed.

  Over time, this self-awareness becomes an important foundation for self-advocacy

  and wellbeing.

Some great children’s books about neurodivergence have been written. We love The

Brain Forest by Australian Educational and Developmental Psychologist, Sandhya

Menon. It’s a great introduction to the concept of neurodiversity, accommodations

and inclusion. For adolescents, Different, Not Less by Chloe Hayden is also a great

read and guide to neurodiversity.

10. Remember: you don’t have to do this alone

Parenting any child can be demanding, and parenting a neurodivergent child can

sometimes involve navigating additional systems, information, and decisions.

Connecting with supportive professionals, educators, and other parents of

neurodivergent children can make a significant difference. Many parents find it

helpful to learn from neurodivergent adults as well, whose lived experiences often

provide valuable insight into what support actually feels helpful.

Most importantly, try to remember that your child’s diagnosis does not change who

they are. The same child you knew yesterday is still here today, with their personality,

humour, interests, and potential.